I’m very excited as I start writing post about my journey as a mother. I know I travel a lot with her and it’s seems right to not just highlight our traveling “happy/fun” moments as a mother or as a family but also to highlight the struggles and difficulties I faced and will be facing.
I got pregnant early 2015 and had a bad first 3 months as I suffered from hyperemesis (severe nausea and vomitting). Nevertheless I delivered a healthy baby girl last 20 August and I got so busy since then.
Now my baby is here with me (2 years old and 2 months to be exact) and I have to say that I’ve never been vulnerable in my life since the arrival of Summer. Breastfeeding since day 1 up to 2 years old. I think I’ve been sleep deprived since the day she was born until she stopped breastfeeding. But I’m happy and grateful and still need to remind myself to always be present and to enjoy this period of my life.
Why do I say be present? Coz most of the time I can go on to the routine.. Wake up feed the baby, play, bath, nap, work, feed again, then put her to sleep as early as possible so I can do my work again then repeat.
We have the privileged to travel a lot for work and for leisure (Summer been to 8 countries and 23 cities) but that doesn’t mean we don’t have time to just be at home and go into a routine of normal family of 3.
I would like to cherish the moment she’s this small and to truly be present at this moment in my emotions , good and bad, happy or sad. So hoping that blogging can help me at the same time share this to all of my readers.
I would like to write this down and process it maybe through sharing in this blog.
What are my feelings as a new mom?
much love for my child (can’t imagine this kind of love before I had one)
- fear of something happen to her
- fear of dying cause my child will not have a mother
- compassion every time she cries and having a hard time with anything
- guilt about not giving more to her than I am giving now.
I would like to explore what does vulnerability looks like in a NEW mother?
VULNERABILITY – being human, with all the raw feelings, being vulnerable to someone is showing your true feelings and weakness, admitting your needs and apologising if necessary.
I feel so vulnerable when I see her sleeping beside me, emotions comes and I don’t even know what are those.. Love.. Compassion..fear.
I remember reading one of Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are“> she discussed about foreboding joy and how the moment you feel joy seeing your child so beautiful and full of life then you suddenly fear of loosing her and something will happen to her just comes in a snap. Now I get what she meant.
Then fear of being not good enough mother comes. Yesterday my mom unintentionally blurted out that I am acting like I don’t have a child yet. As I am rushing to an appointment while my husband taking care Summer. I don’t know what she meant but That’s a low blow to me because I think I already am doing my best.
And I have a full time job. I felt down for a while and just dismissed that after realising that it is not true.
Also lots of thoughts about:
- When can I potty train her?
- When will she sleep in other room?
- When can she stop drinking milk from bottle?
I also feel kinda pressured or maybe not just compelled to do training because of advises from friends and mentor that I needed to train her soon or else she will dictate my life and not the other way around.
The last thing I want to do in my parenting is to people please to be honest. I want to follow my own instinct when it come this rearing my baby but it seems like it’s not easy as I am a first time mom and in the end I want the best for her. But I also know and believed that advises and being humble towards others who knows the best is very important and crucial.
Then I realized that it is not easy. Sometimes depending on situation we need other people advise but also there are times that we know exactly what we want and what our child needs.
In parenting I therefore conclude that i needed both humility and also confidence when it comes to parenting my child because I don’t know it all but at the same time I am her mother and I know what’s the best for her most of the times but not all the time.
I pray to have wisdom and discernment to do the things I suppose to do with my child and I know things always work out for the better if we trust.
Till next time
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